Friday, April 29, 2005

my strangers

the other day while i was waiting for the streetcar to whisk me away to the magical land known as 'the unemployment office' a woman came up to me and asked if i had any change, i said "no" as i truly didn't. she came back over to me and asked "not even 50 cents?" so i said "no, sorry", then she drew a cross on my arm with her finger and said "well here's the cross of jesus". was she damming me or saving me? oh well.

yesterday i had the umbrella incident and today as i was walking down Spadina 2 guys passed by me chatting it up when one of them turned, looked at me, and said "and they said the sun wasn't going to shine today". awwww, thanks sugary stranger, that was some kind of sweet, just what i needed.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

rained on popper

i'm soaked! i was walking home from my doctors appointment* without an umbrella and the rain just started crashing down with avengence. i was on my way home so it didn't really matter how wet i got, sometimes i like to walk in the rain. there were issues at play however and those issues were:

a) the lightweight beige pants i was wearing
b) the hot pink knickers underneath said beige pants

the rain was hitting me at such an angle that the front of me took the major hit while my back was left pretty much alone. this is a GOOD THING because as i realized, when i looked down to make sure the hot pinks weren't showing through, the rather extensive lining in the front pockets (floral in pattern) was covering any area undies would be. the same lining is not as extensive in the back pockets so you see why that angled rain was good. i kept touching my bum just to make sure i was still dry.

a van pulled up to me and the woman in the passenger seat offered me an umbrella. how amazing is that? just when you think the world is full of shits a total stranger pulls over to offer you something of theirs that they'll most likely never get back. i was close enough to home that i didn't take it but made sure to tell them how awesome they were for offering.

so now i'm home with one of these nasty pounding headaches i seem to be getting lately. i think i'll pop a movie on and get cozy as i dry out.

* i'm now a prozac popper. it took me a long time to decide if i should go on it or not, i felt (and still feel) like it makes me a failure. my doctor told me not to think like that, that in no way does it make me weaker. i think it's going to make me more depressed as i won't be able to drink as much as i used to....mamma likes her booze! see, i have to use humour to get over the negative feelings this whole thing is giving me. chin up!

Monday, April 25, 2005

that sneaky bastard

i went and bought a hearty salad from this place that lets you choose what type of lettuce base you want and then you pick your toppings....yeah, like a salad bar. anyway, when the guy asked me "salt and pepper?" i clearly said "no thanks". what do you think i just bit into? pepper. jesus h. christ man, i said no pepper! that dude was sly i tell ya, i turn my back for a second and i get peppered?

anyway, yuck, pepper.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

oh yeah, that party!

i never did post anything about the pimp & ho party i went to last saturday. well, it started off with the most bitter cab driver delivering us to said party ("back in germany people drove me around but i fucked up my life and now i drive you around"....thanks disgruntled cabbie, someone needs a hug) taking to the streets of toronto as if he were careening along the autobahn. the guy actually said to me, as i was climbing out of the car, "nice panties!" dude, a little tact please (seriously, there was no way he saw my panties.....damn i hate that word "panties").

the party was pretty fun and the pimps and ho's were out in full swing! i won a prize for being spanked with a whip and was told by a boy "this night is all about THAT dress!". so my $5 sparklefest was a hit, hoorah!

tonight i was told by kevin that all his friends were coming up to him asking "how much for that one?" can i just say that this ho is pretty touched that all the pimps wanted to get with her, a lone tear falls.

i was also told by kate that she was looking at the photos of my stunning outfit (below) at work and a few of her co-workers (of the male kind) said "who's that?" to which kate replied in all honesty "my sister" to which they in turn came back with "she's pretty hot isn't she?" one co-worker in particular said "she's had her boobs done eh?" to which kate defended my honour with "no, those are real". goddess bless the push up bra....not that i want my boobies any bigger than they are but for nights such as pimp and ho extravaganzas, i want em' big bigger biggest!

phew, what an ego trip. one needs that every so often, am i right or am i right ladies? i'm not really an ego maniac but i'm not going to lie when i say i like that people think i'm worth good cash for a sweet shag!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

varnishing the blues

for a while there i thought i wasn't going to make the party tonight. i've got a major case of PMS happening and all i seem to be able to do is cry. my crying habits are bad enough without PMS kicking it's way into the mix.

i'm forcing my attitude to change with the aid of scissor sisters, 2 coats of red nail polish, and beer. i know i know, it's horrid to stoop to using a crutch to try to forget your problems but i need it....there's just something about red nail polish that makes me feel sassy!

Friday, April 15, 2005




look at me all glamoured up for my new job, i start tonight! i'm a little nervous since i've never hooked before, i've never sold myself for money but hey, my severance runs out soon and i need the cash. steve, my pimp, wants me to meet him at the Golden Griddle around 10:00pm to go over details. it seems so funny to have a meeting about this sort of thing but business is business no matter what line of work you're in i guess. i'm wondering if i should have started with stripping first, that way i wouldn't have to do anything more than dance. where's the money, stripping or hooking? you don't get many tips hooking.....shit, i wonder if it's too late to switch.

in all seriousness i'm hitting a party tomorrow night to help support breast cancer research and i was trying on my sexy getup. it's a pimp & ho shindig, i'm such a sucker for costume parties. i found that dress for $5 while i was in florida, it was the only one, in my size, and on the clearance rack at t.j. max. it's like it was a gift from hooker heaven. originally i had planned on wearing my corset with a mini skirt but as soon as i saw that sparkly sequined gem i was swayed. i think i'll change the red fishnets to black (on advice from my mom who thinks red would be all's great to have a mom who supports slutty costume attire). so tomorrow i'm going to head out with my sweety sister kate to help her find an outfit. she's not sure if she's going to go as a ho or a pimp, i guess it depends on what we find.

hopefully i remember to pick up a disposable camera so i can share the beauty of the slutted up evening with you gorgeous people. no rushing around for me tomorrow, the only thing i have to do is paint my nails hussy red and apply my gold eyeshadow. my kick ass hairdresser, nikki, who all toronto girls should be going to suggested the gold along with big hair (check her out, she works at john steinberg & associates, you won't regret it, she is SO much fun and SO good at what she does....not to mention cute as hell. i spent 2 hours there the other day as she highlighted my locks and we talked about revenge on boys). anyway, it should be a fun night and if you're in toronto and you don't have plans for saturday night i think you should come to the swallow lounge in full on whore (or pimp) attire and support a great charity. hope to see you there, you know what i'll look like....say hiya!

that dress partnered with that push up bra certainly gives me some good boobie action. down to business now. would you pay to sleep with me if i approached your car looking like the stunning piece of ass pictured above? you know you want it!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

home (sweet?) home


i flew in from florida last night and boy are my arms tired!

it was a nice relaxing trip, just what i needed....well that and the numerous margaritas i downed. i thought i still looked a wee bit on the ghostly side but a few people have said "wow, nice tan" to me so i guess i'm not as pale as i thought. that pic up there is the view from the stairs by the pool, pretty nice, pretty shark infested i hear too. mom & i had a dolphin show yesterday, our last day there, it's like they knew. we sat on a bench and watched them playing in the current, it was very peaceful.

i was remembering something i did to my sister when we were little kids (we spent every summer at my grandparents). you know in the deep end of pools there's that grate? well i told my sister that sharks lived in it and from then on any time she jumped off the diving board she would jump to the side. the thing is, it backfired. i too began to believe there were sharks living in it and to this day, swear to god, at 28 years old, i still hate swimming over those things. that is slightly embarrassing to admit but what can i say, my overactive imagination is both a curse and a delight.

Saturday, April 09, 2005


here i am, my 3rd full day in florida and i've got a slight sunburn and a glorious margarita buzz. my tan lines are developing nicely and my skin has the constant scent of coconut oil, i quite like it.

tomorrow looks like an all natural pedicure day. mom & i are planning on a gorgeously long beach walk (i'll only go ankle deep in the ocean though since i'm convinced there's sharks just waiting for me to go full body). i plan on getting more burn on top of the burn i have now which will eventually turn into a smashing tan that will be the envy of all my pasty white friends back in Toronto.

we went to target the other day where i bought some lazy pants, a new bikini (which has provided me with the above mentioned tan lines), and some snazzy earrings. i'm looking forward to the kitchy shopping day at john's pass where i'll be able to buy sea shell magnets with googly eyes and cans of sunshine.....maybe a pickled shark in a jar or two, who knows. one thing i know i'll be buying is fudge, damn straight. i hope the witchcraft store is still there, i always loved going to that store to pick up some magik candles etc.

anyway, i'm off. the all day sun has made me drowsy and i should go visit with my granpdparents. my burn is itchy.

Monday, April 04, 2005

SPF 15

self-portrait of the blogger as an unemployed lass

a few things as i sip (chug) my third beer of the evening. i was so bored the other day i took a series of self-portraits during a break from the job search (which is going fantastically unwell).

me again
who could this be?
and again
guess who?

okay, onto more serious areas of discussion. my stellar sister, emily kate mckelvey, bought me the scissor sisters CD on saturday and it is kicking my ass! i frigin love it to bits. i want to strap on a pair of old school rollerskates and funk up a roller rink with ass shakin' when i listen to it.

another thing, i'm boarding a plane on wednesday morning with my mom.....we're going to florida for a week. i swear to god, i have the best parents EVER! all 4 of them are the raddest people you could ever meet. my mom said i needed to get away from all the crud in my life so she bought me a ticket to florida. we're going to stay with my grandparents (who are also frigin ace rad) and we're going to lie by the pool, drink cocktails, shop, strut our sexy selves on the beach, and do the traditional john's pass (i can't believe there's a website, i have no idea why, but I didn't expect there to be one) souvenir shopping. if you know me expect something tacky, i love you!

okay so, goodnight. i'll post from FLA. if i'm not too busy cooking myself in the hot hot sun.