Monday, January 17, 2005

getting the beats

a clean fresh look for the new year, my big year of change. it's almost impossible to believe just how much shit the universe is tossing on me. it all started around the end of October and it's still happening.

at first i thought "what the hell have i done? did i fuck with someone's good karma and this is my payback?" (i still find myself thinking it every so often but i'm trying to be better about it). now i'm trying to be more positive about it, the universe is telling me something, forcing me to change it up.

the main issue i've been dealing with, the one i never mentioned details about, concerns me and damian. we're having problems. i haven't been living with him since the end of november (i'm at my parents house) and it's KILLING ME! i hate not being with him. words can not describe how much i love this man.....shit i feel tears coming up as i write this. i guess it's normal, i'm letting it spill out of me. i do not want to lose him and i hope we can work through all of this. we are talking, we have been getting together and it is the most bittersweet thing. i melt when i see him, i try not to show that on the outside but it's there inside. a dripping, gooey heart beating beating beating so fast.

i've lost so much weight during all of this (i'm a non-eater when it comes to stress and being upset), i look anorexic. i went to my doctor to see just how much damage i was doing to myself both mentally and physically. he recommended a psychotherapist for my mental state and blood tests for my physical. luckily my tests came back looking good, i didn't mess up my liver or any other major piece of the inside of me by not eating. now i'm just trying to get my weight back up. i went to the psychotherapist and it was great (i have my 3rd session on wednesday). it's amazing to talk to someone who has no emotional attachment to me, someone who will listen and can help me gain strength in myself. it really is amazing how much change i can feel in myself. i'm so much stronger than i thought i ever was, it's making my confidence level move up. it'll take time to fully be my new stronger self because let's face it, you can't instantly change who you've always been! for my whole life i've pretty much been a pee on, let people walk on me, take advantage of my kindness. i always put other people before myself, not that i'll stop caring for others, i'm just going to start being there for me!

i had a scare just before new years. i woke up one morning and had a panic attack, my breathing was so shallow and i felt such an intense sense of fear wash over me. my parents took me to a walk-in clinic where the doctor told me that it was a panic attack. I had never had one before so I had no idea what was wrong with me. He gave me a prescription for anti-anxiety that would also help me sleep, sleep has not been a friend of mine for a while now and these pills help.

so all of this is going on, i'm depressed, upset, too skinny, stressed, trying my hardest to be strong, dealing with the fact that i could possibly lose my husband (the love of my life) and my home and what happened next? last tuesday i got laid off from my job. the company isn't doing well and i'm one of the cuts. the thing is my last official day is March 8th, so i'm stuck here until then with no motivation to work for a company that doesn't want me anymore. it's a blessing in disguise because i hate it here but shit, the timing couldn't be any worse. the last thing i need to do while as stressed as i am is look for a job.

so my life is changing and that's fine, i needed a kick in the ass and change is good. the only thing i want to keep amongst all of this change is my husband, i would love to change WITH him. finding out all of these new things about myself is amazing and i want to bring it into our relationship to make it different as well.