Tuesday, April 27, 2004

they're out to get me

while i'm on the topic of animals, i thought i'd seize the opportunity of a slow down in my work to talk about some encounters i've had with creatures, big and small.

when i was small, very small, single digits, i went to a public pool with some friends and their parents. i imagine i was having a gay old time, small details stand out in my head like how green the grass was. i don't remember the actual incident, everything i've heard is based on an account from my mom. apparently as i was frolicking in the sunshine and splashing in the water a beastly bee set its sites on me. i'm sure its plan of attack was well thought out, and it moved with such stealth i never stood a chance. i arrived home with a giant red, swollen, welty bump right between my eyes. that bee had damn good aim.

still lingering in the single digit age group, the next event would scar me for life. my parents took me out to a petting zoo so i could play with animals and get covered in goat spit. i took a liking to the bunnies, what little girl wouldn't? i was given some carrots and lettuce to feast them with. the carrots went pretty fast and the sad lettuce lay in my hand untouched, until one bunny took notice. i imagine him a shy bunny, didn't really hang with any of the others, wasn't accepted, you know? this of course made him an angry bunny, a vengeful bunny. he hoped over to my lettuce offering and slowly reached for it with his mouth....SNAP, he took my finger with it removing a little chunk from the tip. this bunny was carnivorous. i was taken to the first aid station where i didn't cry as they cleaned up my gash, i was given a green lollipop as a reward. damn straight.

florida, double digits. i was sitting in my grandparents spare bedroom, kate & i's summer home away from home. we were watching t.v., most likely 'nick at night' (we were huge 'monkees' fans). i felt peckish, needed a snack to go along with my tube watching. i stood up and walked passed kate, she shrieked "ewwwww, there's a roach on your back!" i freaked, me and roaches, we don't jive. i tore through that apartment ripping my shirt off just praying it didn't touch my bare skin. my grandma was yelling at me to "calm down, what's the matter?" while kate ran after me laughing "there's a cockroach on her". man, it was a big one. the cats loved to catch them on the balcony and bring them inside to add to their toy collection. we found the little bugger on my grandparents bedroom floor, it just lay there all smug and dying. i swear i heard it say with it's last breath "i got you man, i'm gross and i got you".

the teen years. we were on a fam trip traveling through california (my parents always took us on kick ass trips) and were in san diego at the time of my next heinous encounter. we decided to hit up sea world for a day of entertainment, it was a hot as hell day. we ended up at the dolphin tank where you could actually feed them. we were all over that, so we had to handle stinky dead fish, it was worth it! we found a clearing and claimed our spots, mom & dad bought us each a cup of fish death. i stood there waiting for a dolphin to come by, it was pretty crowded. finally, i was spotted. the guy came swimming over to me and hung out for a while, i gave him a fish or two and he remained there, staring at me. i wanted to be fair to the other dolphins so i said "you have to share buddy", but he wouldn't leave. so, i figured i'd give him my last fish body since he was clearly my new best friend. i couldn't have been more wrong. it became quite clear what he wanted from me as i handed him the final fish. it felt like slow motion as i slid my hand towards the water, fish balanced on the tip of my fingers. his jaw snapped shut trapping my middle finger somewhere in the realm of his back teeth. he began to swim away. i had no choice but to tear my hand from his grasp. i held my hand tight, a couple who had just arrived at the tank saw it all go down, they watched me. blood began to trickle through my fingers and down my arm, they handed their fish to someone else and walked away. i made it to a washroom where i threw up due to the combo of intense heat, fish smell, and a damn hell ass deep gash in the same finger the carnivorous bunny took a piece of. i still like dolphins though.

last one, in my twenties. i was visiting my fam in australia, it was a surprise for my dad's 50th birthday. we took a road trip to melbourne (they live in sydney) where we had rented a cute little hotel/townhouse thingy. one night, after a long day wandering, we all sat and watched hilarious aussie sitcoms. my dad's laptop was on the couch beside me and he came over to move it so he could sit down. as he picked it up i saw something move out the corner of my eye, i just figured it was......i don't know what the heck i thought it was. i looked down and the moving thing was now on my leg. "oh wow" i thought, i've never had a scorpion on my leg before.

the end.